My love for shooting started simply - by taking selfies.
POV: It’s 2005. Youtube has just been invented, Vince Vaughn is still relevant, and I was just gifted my first ever digital camera. It was a cute little silver thing that opened up my world and transformed my mirror into a blank canvas.
Selfies became a form of escapism and self expression from that moment on, until the end of high school in 2010. Usually in my bedroom, always on my own, the act of taking selfies slowly evolved into ‘self portraits’. It was a means of catharsis.
I’m not claiming I was breaking any boundaries, but I was growing as an artist and learning how to use a camera with an activity that could briefly stop my internal monologue of criticism. Self portraits were an outlet for me to get creative and experiment. I often wouldn’t post the photos I took, but at that point I didn’t feel like I had to censor myself either.
Somewhere along the way it all turned bad for me. I didn’t feel as comfortable taking photos of myself anymore, let alone sharing them publicly. I think it might have been around the time that Facebook photo albums and Instagram's Valencia filter were no longer considered cool. Did these two coincide? On Instagram it felt like certain photos could no longer be posted unironically. Crafting a spicy caption was integral to the act, and it was at this point that I tuned out.
Take this with a grain of salt, but I'm slightly envious of zoomer culture. They are so unapologetically themselves, sometimes to a fault, and I think their openness is something to be celebrated. The positivity, encouragement, and creativity is real and I believe it. They share raw, unfiltered experiences on platforms like TikTok and honestly I kind of love it.
Maybe I’m just from the outside looking in, seeing someone a decade younger than me having the same experiences that I did at that point, but I think there’s been a cultural shift. Gen Z grew up with a camera in hand and it’s an extension of who they are. As a cinematographer I also see the world through the guise of a lens - the difference is the openness with which I share myself when I’m on the other side of it.
After a year of lockdowns, restrictions, and isolation I’d like to think I gained some perspective. I’m tired of overthinking my place on the internet, so I’ll make my own. It's nearly impossible for collaborative artists like myself to be spontaneous with projects right now, especially if they involve people. So that leaves – me.
2021 is the last year of my twenties and I’m giving myself permission to let go a little. Taking selfies, or self portraits rather, is creative catharsis, but sharing them is an act of vulnerability. It’s time I reclaim myselfie. Sorry, I had to.
June 2005 / Humble beginnings, 13 year old Nat living her best life